[07-08-19, Sun, Shower] Jap class, Jap noodle, a Girl in Jap, Jap dinner with Jap friend

Well, i had a real japanese day, everything is about japan. I cannot wait to resort to my blog to pour all my feeling of this strange Jap Day.

Woke up at 8:10 by a morning call, not feeling tired though slept from 4:30 this morning. Jap class! My mind must be in the cloud that i took the metro wrong two times, and 1 hour late again. Quite nice lesson, i feel i can take my favorite japanese lesson in a more relaxing and concentrating way now.

Got a call from Alfa who is just back from a business trip, and had japanese noodle for lunch together. He brought me some shocking news that until now i still don't know how to handle easily, though we were already over in the romantic relationship some weeks ago. He told me he finally found he is still in love with his x-girlfriend, who is in Japan now, even when we were together, which is the main reason caused our fast breakup. I am more shocked about my feeling towards this news, nothing jealous or emotional, but definitely some hurts of my proud and self-dignity. Well, i can handle that. We had some drink at his home and i insisted to watch the little movie he made for the girl he is loving. I must be crazy to intend to hurt myself again, but actually not, i feel moved about this movie. Finally he is not the robot and inhuman kind as i felt before, finally he can be serious and not selfish for someone, though not me. I am happy about that, and i like him more like this. I know i have never been in love with him either, or just pretended to myself to be in love as i always did, which turns out illusion and rubbish at last as always also.

And then we started chatting like real friends about everything, about my shitty relationships and my emotional weakness, and the desire to love and to be loved. He helped me to analyse my messy feelings, yes i think i am close to the answer now about the right person i need. A person more peaceful, more like water, ready to back me up when i am always like a soldier in the front, and ready to calm me down when i am getting emotional and messy. For several years i have been in a paradox of trying to make the best out of myself and at the meantime scared to be too sharp and blind as i don't have the desire to be a strong business woman. Now i have to face the reality, there is no way to hide behind or pretend being someone else or betray my true feelings of what i really am.

Alfa and i are so similar in some way, both the fighting kind, and the girl he is loving must have the same character that i am looking for as my mr. right and i would be sure to love and feel good with. So if i am jealous, i am jealous of Alfa more than the girl, as he has someone to fight for but i still have no one to love, no direction to fight for :'( but it will come someday no? Suddenly, i begin to feel nostalgic about someone that i might have just missed in my life, who has been so close for years but so far away from me now... anyway, no time to think to much, the only solution is keeping away from rubbish romance until finding the right one, avoiding being hurt and emotional again. I dragged Alfa from my MSN "best friends" list to "good friends", in which way i will not notice him online anymore.. i know we are getting on the right way of building some real friendship, it will be such a pity to loose a friend who is so similar to you like a mirror. But leave me alone to digest my dignity, my stuffed emotion, my everything first...

After the emotional peroid i went to the art exhibit with Naoi, my best japanese friend in Shanghai, whom i have known for 3 years already, and with whom i can really feel relaxed and free to talk about everything. The abstract art exhibit is quite abstract, but it's okay like all the art exhibits that inspire me a little. afterwards, Yoshinoya for dinner, japanese food again, and then we had a long cafe on Nanjing Road chatting about career, about life, about culture, about the girls and boys topic, about my stressing but interesting challenging... oops, feeling much better now after pouring all my emotion and pressure to a real friend. bien, bien!

so many challenges waiting for me now, just go ahead, kathy!